Smooooth Sailing

Hey guys!

So, I know it's been a while since I've done an entry.

I've had trouble trying to figure out something to write since everything seems to be going pretty smooth lately.

Then I relaized, my life doesn't have to be tough to write to whomever reads my blog.

I decided to just write about the year I went through, how I got through it, and why I cannot wait for what God has in store this year!

2014 had to have been the roughest ride for me.

For the first time I felt myself stuggling with anxiety, depression, loneliness, everything opposite of what I truly am.

I lost family members, had rough times with my parents, never payed attention to when my family needed me the most, I was heart broken by someone I gave all my love to.

For a couple of months I was crying myself to sleep every night. As much as I tried to fight the pain, it only felt as if everything was fighting against me.

Every day was the same pattern.

Wake up, fall back to sleep. Wake up again, lay in bed for another two hours.

If I ever got up to do something, it was to work, or do some retail therapy. (retail therpay is the worst, don't ever try it. You forget where all your money goes).

Then I would eat at dinner only because my mom would call me to eat. (Yes, I lost a lot of weight at this time). Then I'd crawl back into my room, just lay and watch TV, until I started crying.

There was nothing but emptiness inside of me.

Afteron and off crying for two hours my headache would get so bad my body would fall asleep while my mind would race through the entire night.

Take me seriously when I say I hardly ever enjoyed the daylight during this time. Unless I was working, I kept myself locked up in my room. I was so, so lonely.

During this time you would think I was ignoring everyone and everything going on outside of my small bedroom, but that wasn't the case.

I was still trying to work things out with the one I shared my entire heart with, and I think that is what kept me from focusing on myself. Instead of trying to fix my own problems, I was busy trying to fix everyone else's.

I never gave importance to myself, while I was at the most unhealthy stage in my life, I was trying to juggle too many situations, it was overwhelming and extremely confusing. I had no idea what I was ever doing, all I knew is that I wanted to make everything right for everyone else, because I thought that's how things would start turning out right for myself. WRONG.

It only made things worst, trying so hard to get to a happy place and faking it only took me down further.

I'm not exactly sure when things started changing for me, or even how...it all just sort of happened slowly.

I started smoothing things out with my parents and our relationship grew. My family saw something in me, that made me believe I was getting better.

I stopped crying myself to sleep so often, I would laugh and joke.

Of course having a forgiving heart, I forgave, he who hurt me. Love makes you crazy, that's for sure. I never stopped loving, I just had other mixed emotion getting in the way of what mattered most...love. Slowly, but surely things fell into place for us. And by falling into place I can almost say I'm even happier than I ever was before.

Long story short, I'm fought the battle, and now I'm here...almost in tears in how greatful I am for the way things have worked out. These past months have been fufilled with happiness, love, giving, caring, laughing, I just....I am really happy and im helathy, happy to be healthy.

I can't help but wonder what it would have been life if I didn't experience those struggles last year.

Would I still be here? Creating my own blog? Opening up and sharing my life and heart?

The anwer is no.

I'm thankful to have gone through my struggles. I let myself go once, and I know it won't happen again, and if it does..at least I'm better prepared.

I am loved and I love, I love so much. My heart is no longer filled with the darkness.

I have found a true light, Thank You Jesus.

Don't forget when the going gets rough, pray. And when you think you aren't being heard, remeber God knows what he's doing, it's not in your time, it's his.

Until next time! :)