face to face

This is going to be a post that I have been dreading to write for months. I really, really, do not want to do it, but I feel like I really really need to.

For those of you who keep up with my blog, I feel like I owe it to you to be honest and keep you updated.

For myself, I need to be honest and get this off my chest.

Through this journey about posting about my life, my experiences and all of my emotions, it is fair to come to the conclusion that I have experienced what we can call a 'heart break", and I shared every ounce of hurt and confusion with you guys.

I am so relieved, so so so relieved, to confidently say that my broken heart is healed and I have closed that chapter in my life.

I know what you're thinking...that should have happened a looooooong time ago, and you are SO right!

I have had a hard time replaying all of these emotions and wondering why it happened. Why would this happen to me? How could someone do such a thing? How could I love so deeply and be left with confusion? Asking myself this, and finally being able to face the honest truth I am able to say, it was my choice. I chose the heart ache, I chose the pain, I chose the suffering and I chose to go back every time taking the risk of being broken again.

I took a mini road trip, with my sister, Domo. She's so strong, wow that girl trips me out! Anyways, so I was explaining to her about how excited I am to experience this new chapter of life I am stepping into. I said how happy I was to finally focus on growing close to God, focusing on myself, and not having to worry about such dramatic things anymore. I couldn't help but smile at how happy I was to finally feel like ME.

Then our conversation kind of paused and i looked at her and said, "Domo, I can't believe I went through all of this. I can't believe I went through so much pain. I can't believe it's finally over".

And she replied with, "Yeah, but Jesus opened that door for you to leave plenty of times before, you just didn't want to see it".

It still gives me the chills thinking about the rush of emotions that ran through my body with those words. It hit me. She was SO right. It seems so obvious that I could have left an unhealthy decision and relationship but decided to stay. But you guys, when your wrapped up so deep in lies, it's hard to see the truth and believe anything different. But I see it now.

I do not blame anyone, but I no longer hurt because of the "why". I know why, I know where my heart was at and the feelings I had. I look back and can remember every single time I prayed that God would take the pain away from me, and when he gave me the opportunity to leave, I couldn't, and I didn't.

I can see God calling me to other things in the past. He would put things on my heart that I would get excited about but I would pull away. I can see how much he loves me but I was too afraid to accept that escape and leave what my idea of what love was.

I have finally come face to face with all my questions and I have had to look at myself and be completely honest. I know I am not a weak girl, but in those moments I was very weak. I know my heart is big and in those moments I did not protect it. I chose to put myself through this, but I do NOT regret it. I am happy I have FINALLY learned.

These are things I want to share with young girls who are going to experience the same things. I want to be able to help girls keep their hearts guarded and protected and follow Jesus' voice. I long for that and I hope and pray that my writing will have brought comfort to anyone who went through anything similar to my story.

I know it is tough to have your entire life planned out. To have an idea of everything you have ever wanted. To force yourself to believe you are happy, and things are supposed to be, when deep down you know it is wrong. I especially know how exxxxtremely difficult to remove yourself from something you have given your all to, but you know it will never work, you know you are not happy. I challenge you to pray, seek God, and follow your heart. Focus on yourself, and your needs for once. You never know what God has waiting for you on the other side!

I believe God has to break our hearts in order for us to be used and on fire for him, and let me tell you, I am ready to be used and I am SO on fire! I know I have said this before, and I mean it, and i'll say it again! I AM READY! Wherever you need me, or call me Lord, I am ready and I am willing. God takes things that we think we love and need to show us that HE is all we need, and HE is love.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

I hope this makes sense, and I hope it answered some questions you guys may have wondered about through my readings. I love you guys, always. Thank you for listening.