let your light shine!

Please understand that my heart aches as I try to find the right words to say to you.

I have hit my rock bottom. I've let myself down, my friend, my family, and now I'm afraid to let my readers down.

As much as I can completely avoid writing this, I promised myself and have given myself the responsibility to always share my true heart and be real.

If you follow my blog, you understand that I went through heart break, but I was healing and finding happiness again. Well, just recently that was tested, and I failed.

To my girls who have reached out to me and turned to me for strength, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. To my family and friends who were by my side to build me back up, I am sorry to have fallen again.

To explain a little more, i'll say that I let my guard down and let myself feel love again for the same person who took it away. As strong as I thought I was, I realized I am weak in that area. They say you'll do anything for love, and that I did.

After letting go of the happiness I had found within myself, to only be brought back to the place where I felt weak, empty, and alone, I realized i'm just the type of person who has to let myself fall to get back up again. Only it's frustrating because i'm not sure how many times I have to do that.

After falling back again I had so many emotions thrown at me. I was mad at myself for running away from God's plans and finding myself alone again, but I was even more mad that I had disappointed my friends and family who tried so hard to build me back up.

Going through this I didn't want my family to know I had made the decision to go back, and for them to see me broken again was embarrassing so as much as I tried to hide it, it hurt even more. Everyone knows how hard it is to try to fight tears. I had to hold back my tears throughout entire days and it only built up so much anxiety.

Sometimes I would just have to let a tear fall and wipe it away, then cover it with a joke so nobody knew anything was wrong.

One night I cried so much on my drive home from work and had to wait fifteen minutes for my red eyes to go away before I went inside my house and even then my family just said I looked beat from a long day at work.

It killed me, it felt like I was living two different lives. I really was.

I struggled again with asking myself why I was never good enough. To give your all to someone and still not have it accepted can really weight heavy. All my insecurities came out to the point where I couldn't look in the mirror because I would ask myself why? and just start crying.

Thankfully my friends knew what was going on and they were there for me, but I could tell they were just going through the motions and it hurt me that they had to feel that way. I was disappointing them by letting myself go through this pain to hopefully find a happiness that I just wouldn't find in the situatuon I was putting myself in.

Just a little side note, i've never felt hate or held any grudges towards the person I've gone through this pain with. I have forgiven and can only pray every night that God's work in being done, not only for myself, but for them as well.

With that being said i've finally learned to forgive myself. I've learned to love myself and teach myself that I am enough. Just because one person hasn't treated you right doesn't mean that should justify the way you feel or treat yourself.

It isn't healthy for me to suffer from anxiety, feel lonely and insecure. I've learned that I am enough, if it isn't for anyone else I am enough for ME.

I know this seems like episodes I go through, and some may be thinking i'll be writing about falling back again. But I can assure you that God has brought me down to pull me up and set me on the right path he's carved for me and as much as I try to turn left or right he keeps fighting for me and pulling me back. Even if I want to do things my own way, it's funny to see that he won't let me. And for that I am greatful. He has loved me more than anyone else can and he will not give up on me, I not only see that, but I can feel it now. I feel at peace with myself and with this life that has called to be mine. I am excited/happy/blessed/greatful for all the new things, opportunties and doors that have been opened for me in such a short amount of time. All these things have been waiting for me, while I was busy trying to figure things out for someone else's life instead of mine.

Now this is my life. And I will take those steps to see what opportunities lay ahead of me.

I want you guys to know that I am at peace, and every day my light shines a little brighter.

I will never stop sharing my heart and trying to help others. Only now I will guard my heart and let others help me as well. I want to share love with everyone, and now I can learn to love myself also.

I want to share a true happiness with the ones who I love and love me and spread that to anyone else looking for it. (okay I know that sounds a lil hippie, but hey).

I will put all my trust in God and let my faith guide me.

Each and every day I will strive to find my strength and happiness that awaits me.

To those whom I've let down, I understand, and I am so deeply sorry. I never wanted to put my struggles on anyone else or let anyone in on them, but I promise I am happy, and I can't wait to share that with the world, but first with you. My friends and family, you know who you are, I can never express how greatful I am for you. I want nothing more than to fix those relationships and share nothing but joy and happiness that I lost for a while. I LOVE YOU.

And to those who read, I pray that you understand it is my desire to be able to share my heart in the hopes that it would help any who may be going through the same things. Everything happens for a reason and I hope this is happening so that I may help others. I've let myself fall but I will stand strong and I pray that we all can, together. I will let this experience be my greatest life lesson and hold onto it so that it may help me in the future. Because of this, I am now excited for the future, instead of afraid.

Thank you, I can't wait to share the love and happiness that i'm begining to find with you all.

So go out, and let you light shine! As I will let mine. Let's do dissssss ;)

till next time!