don't be insecure girrrrlllllll

Hi guys!

I'll start off by saying I have so much anxiety as i'm trying to figure out the right words and best way to help you understand what i'm about to say. Please, bare with me.

For the past couple of years i've grown to have one of the deepest insecurities that I would never imagined myself having. My body.

Okay I know, it sounds pathetic, i'm skinny.

Usually people trying to lose weight deal more with these issues, and I understand that, but I think it all just comes down to being unhappy with your body, and that, I am.

Over the past couple of years, due to stress, anxiety, and not eating, i've lost fourteen pounds and I have not been able to gain any of it back.

When I first started to lose weight, it wasn't too much, but I noticed my body changing. I also was experiencing stomach issues, so I had multiple doctor's visits. Time after time the doctor's would ask me if I was stressed. I always looked at my mom, laughed, and said no, as if they were crazy. They would ask if I was eating enough and I explained how I basically had in-n-out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. There really was no explanation to my weight loss. Eventually I had a procedure done which the doctors put me to sleep, put a camera inside my stomach to see if they could find the problem, they never did.

I of course now know that I was stressed. Even though I didn't feel stressed out, my mind and thoughts were. I was happy and every thing seemed to be going well, but I knew my reasons.

When I went through my dark times I never had an appetite, so obviously I wasn't eating right. It was never on purpose, I just wasn't happy or hungry and that lasted a long time so it all makes sense as to why I struggle with this today.

Moving forward to now, I still have not been able to gain my weight back. For two years, I wouldn't weigh anything over 99 pounds. All my friends, family, even people I barely knew would tell me how skinny I looked. I know they didn't and they still don't mean it to hurt my feelings, but it really takes a toll on me.

Every day I step on the scale to see if I gained any pounds. On a good day i'll gain a pound or two but the next day it can be gone if I don't eat right, isn't that so crazy? My two pounds are so dear to me but they always leave me!! lol.

Actaully, i'll let you in on a little something. Recently I gained up to four pounds. Then I went through a little unexpected bump in my road and BOOM those four pounds were gone in no time! You could even see it in my face and my body, I didn't look healthy. It's important for me these days to not let my emotions get the best of me and keep a happy, healthy mind set.

Just because i'm not happy with the way my body looks doesn't mean I think it's the end of the world for me. I can be honest and say that I have my moments. Sometimes I take pictures with people and after I see how skinny my body looks I have my little moments where I get really sad, but it doesnt last too long. I avoid long body mirrors, but if I find one that cuts off at my stomach i'm like Oooo girl, haaaaaaay!!!! lol ;).

I guess I decided to open up slightly about this today because I know we all struggle with our own reasons for our insecurities. I've been dealing with mine for three years now, at times i've let it get the best of me, but i'm changing that now. I'm trying so hard to fix my diet, eat the meals I need each day and show my body some love!!! I know it will be a long process for me because my body doesn't gain weight easily, but I won't let it knock me down. It's kind of a new exciting journey. I actually enjoy cooking my meals, and meal prepping for myself. I cut up fruits, make myself drinks, and when I feel healthy it's really nice. I just want to be healthy again. Not only with the way my body looks, but with the way I feel, my thoughts, my emotions and my every day living.

If you're struggling with insecurity like mine I challenge you to stop being stuck in the sadness and experience the change that can lead you to a happier life, no matter how long it takes; fight for the finish. I'll do the same. And as always, if you can relate to me, let's talk. I so enjoy talking and getting to know people who can relate, y'all help me and keep me so happy!

P.S. one of the best things about my weight loss is my little sister (14) loves to pick me up and twirl me around, and she loves to do that so it makes me happy. Viv, try doing it as much as you can because sooner or later you won't be able to carry me anymore girl!! LOL.

love you guys.